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The First Part of this post has nothing to do with Spain.

October 27, 2006

I miss acting. I miss the rush, the buzz that you get when you nail your lines, when you get an ovation, or just that thump in your heart from being in the wings, the light-headedness from the way a theatre smells…that mix of paint and dust and upholstery that fills up your lungs with every breath. It's like this noise in my heart that has been slowly crescendoeing since I left the stage three years ago…I just feel like something's missing, like I'm somehow being untrue to myself. I've been a performer all my life, and these days I'm not even in the wings…I'm all the way out the door and waiting in line at the box office. Does this mean that I've made a wrong choice somewhere along the way? I'm very happy studying Spanish, but I fel as though I've bee denying a very important part of who I am…who I was, anyway. I ca't really say I'm an actress when it's been 3 years since my last role. Can I? I don't know what I want, for me, for my future. Peace Corps, of course. Stability, if I'm lucky. But I also would love to run away to New York or Los Angeles and try to "make my fortune" while I'm still young. Or at the very least take acting classes– there's so much that I've forgotten, and so much that I still have to learn. Last night when I went to see "El Principe Tirano" (The Tyrant Prince) it all came rushing back to me…there's just nothing in the world like live theatre. I was pissed because it took me 20 minutes to come up with the word "proscenium", a problem I never would have had before. It was stupid, but I was angry with myself, and sad. In a way, I don't really understand this yearning, this desire, because I wasn't happy in the theatre programs at UNH or Plymouth. Maybe I gave up on myself too easily? I feel like I have some soul searching to do…

In other news, I went to the Archeological Museum this morning…it would have been wonderful, but my teacher has a knack for making this exceedingly dry…poor thing, he just has so much information bouncing around his skull that he doesn't have the capacity to be succinct. I did get some nice pictures though. There are also a few random photos of the Parque María Luisa, and although I didn't take any photos, I wandered through a little outdoor international food/goodies market that runs every weekend in nice weather. Next week, if it's sunny (or maybe tomorrow ^_^) I'm going to go back for some fair-food and cheap presents. Hurray for open-air markets! Tonight the school is showing "Como agua para chocolate" (Like Water for Chocolate) my all-time favorite Spanish movie, so Lauren and I are going to go get some free popcorn and hang out…should be fun.

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